...got my heart broken today
while staring at the empty cross...

ever since nandun na yung cross na yun sa church. hindi ko na maalala kung simula kailan ko sya nakita, pero nung bininyagan ako, im sure nandun na yun. i never really took notice of it..it was common for a church. pero there was something today that made me weep at the sight of it. hindi ko nga matignan nang hindi lumuluha. hindi ko alam kung dahil lang sa lighting (na forever namang ganun)...or dahil talaga sa akin. tingin ko dahil sa akin. it had a new meaning...and it seems that i would not look at any cross the same way again. Lord's supper pa kanina, grabe, lumuluha talaga kami ni abby. plus yung message...waah. grabe, ayoko na ngang imulat yung mata ko kasi alam kong hindi titigil ang pagtulo ng mga luha.

refreshing and empowering.
in the middle of all the worries of acads, of grades, of graduation, of ministries, of all the things to do..amidst the concerns of this world and my many questions..He answered me with the cross. and the reminder that as we worship and that as we take the Lord's table, there are still a lot of people who are lost..na hindi natin kasama sa worship..na hindi kilala si Jesus bilang Panginoon. and again, it broke my heart that i was sitting in my church singing praises and participating in the Lord's table. parang ang sarap sabihin na "why am i here?"

comfort sa akin na katabi ko si abby kanina...dahil since fetus friends kami, kahit mga luha nng isa't isa alam namin ang ibig sabihin. i know she was weeping for the same reasons..and God was speaking to her in much the same ways. ang sarap magkaron ng kaibigan who when you forget everything, can tell you who you are.

at nung kumanta kami ng "our heart..our desire..is to see the nations worship.." durog na durog talaga ang puso ko. praying that one day, even our M and B brothers would sing with us to worship the one true God. Christ died for them as well..

staring at the cross made all else fade away. realizing that knowing Jesus is all that matters, and everything else secondary. that all the things we do should lead to loving Him, serving Him and giving Him the glory.  

Pakiramdam ko kinakain na ako ng finals week. Nakakaiyak. Grabe.

Ang late na nagdadawn sa kin na huling Wednesday na pala ito ng class, puro exams at requirements nalang next week. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa doon.

Pero mabuti na lamang at masaya ako ngayong araw. Ay kahapon pala yun…nalolost na ako sa oras dahil sa kanina pa ako gumagawa ng paper. Birthday kasi ni kuya benj at kuya pao. Ang saya pala magdala ng madaming balloons at magsurprise ng mga tao. Natuwa ako na natuwa sila.

Maulan ulit. May bagyo, si ineng. J

Mabait si Lord, marami akong nakikitang bata. Kids inspire me to continue. They are God’s opinion that the world is still a happy place to live in and that the world would go on. Habang may pinapanganak na bata, tuloy ang buhay sa mundo. Ang saya no? wee. J

I badly miss the stars and the sunset.

After the rain, comes the rainbow and a beautiful display of sunshine.

Medyo nagiging maulan ang mga nakaraang araw after ng week na napakainit. Grabe, nagsimula ang September na parang summer. And init talaga. Buti nalang ay umulan ulan. Peyborit ko ang pagsikat ng araw pagkakaulan lang. Ang hopeful kasi ng pakiramdam. At ang warm. Ang ganda at ang peaceful ng paligid, parang lahat ay nabigyan ng bagong buhay.

Natutuwa din ako na sumisikat na ang araw kahit may rain clouds pa din. J natapos na ang persbatch ng aking mga exams, reports at papers…padating na this week yung next. Napagod na akong mapagod sa kanila. At naisip kong maging excited nalang sa kanilang pagdating. Maexcite sa kung paano kikilos ang Panginoon sa mga sitwasyon (at kahit sa mga tao) na hindi na natin alam ang gagawin, sa mga panahon na suko na tayo. Weepee. J

Pa-rant…

**Blessings, blessings at blessings: grabe and blessing ni Lord. Nakakaoverwhelm ang grace at pagmamahal Nya sa atin. Promise, hindi ko talaga kinakaya. Kahit mga simpleng hiling na madalas hindi naman natin talaga siniseryoso, mga bulong ng mga simpleng pangangailangan, binibigay ni Lord. Kahit mga wants natin. Nakakaiyak na madalas nalilimutan natin kung sino tayo, at kung sino ang Ama natin. Kaya nagugulat pa rin tayo pag pinagpapala Nya tayo..if our earthly Fathers give us gifts even before we ask them and provides for more than what we need, how much more our Father in heaven.

**PI 100 field trip: hindi ko alam kung nakakatuwa ba or dapat ba akong matuwa na nung sabado ay naging turista ako sa aking sariling bansa. Ang dami naming napuntahan, na mga hindi ko alam na lugar, nageexist pala sila. Hehe. Mga lumang simbahan, mga lumang bahay. Hindi talaga ako excited na sumama sa trip na ito, pero grabe, bukod sa tulog galore ako sa bus, naenjoy ko talaga. Ganito ko pa rin pala kamahal ang Pilipinas. J

**Social Psychology and dramas: and again, pinaalalahanan nanaman kami ni ma’am chei (kaya siguro pang fourth year standing ang course na ito…). In a few months, we will be leaving the university (sana po talaga)…and many of us will be working in the bizworld. Sana daw ay hindi namin malimutan ang mga foundations na nabuild sa amin ng university. Sana ay hindi namin ipagpalit ang aming mga prinsipyo sa mga bagay na nabibili ng pera. Ang daling sabihin sa ngayon, pero doon ang tunay na laban. What they (our teachers) are doing si simple laying our faoundations, giving us the training and the knowledge to face the world. With this, they will release us with the hope that we would make not just good choices, but right choices. It’s a big, dangerous world they say, but it’s also exciting and fun. Hindi pa ako handang iwan ang UP, pero ayaw ko naman na hindi makagraduate sa march. Siguro kailangan ko lang talaga ipa-sink in sa sarili ko na, oo, graduatin na ako. Nawiwindang pa nga rin ako pag tinatanong kung anong year na ako…kailangan ko pa ireorganize ang thoughts ko na graduating senior na ako. Hindi ko pa kayang iwan ang esbi, ang mga puno, ang mga building, ang lugar, ang mga tao. Nakakainis madalas na hindi ko na nga iniisip yun pero a lot of things keep reminding you of it. *sigh*

**Trips: gusto ko ngayon ang kantang this is your life ng switchfoot…ang bulaklak na callalily…ang roacky road brownie sundae ng jollibee…ang kulay na yellow…ang calamares na tinda ni ate mae…at ang jungle juice.

**y?: nakakatawa na alam ko na din ang dahilan ng sobrang panghihina at mabilis na pagkakasakit ko. It comes in unexpected ways, in unexpected moments...it explains everything and you can’t help but smile that it came.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you’ll never know which one you’ll get. Sabi nga ni forest gump. And indeed, life is full of surprises, of things to look forward to, of events to hope for. And everyday gets us closer to them…and when we do, there comes more. And it never stops. I realized that joy is always available for everyone, its just up to us how much of it we would let in. smile.

tired but happy. been a while since i felt so tired that it was soo hard to get up from bed. your body just wanted to rest...but there are duties for the day. things that seem more important than sleep...and they are. its just that when you are in bed and you can't pull yourself up, there is nothing more important than sleep.

good thing the day turned to be fun. learned that i am now 'adapted' to cats, well, dead cats at least. just skinned our 2nd cat today and i did not even have to psych myself again. it was like boom boom boom... :) wee.

learned 2 nice things today.
**from elise:
        freedom is doing what you were made to do and being what you were meant to be.
in the context of women's role and submission. truly, in this world where women strive to exceed men, its always refreshing to go back to the original design where true joy, fulfillment and contentment is. we are at our best when we are who we were made for. its like finding you niche and being happy at that. im thrilled.

**from friends:
        less expecatitions, more surprises.
it follows that disappointments and more joys. learning that adds another spectrum of colors in the world. and everything looks more radiant. :) smiled when i suddenly remembered the carebears and all the memories that come with them.

its been a while. ang tagal ko ring hindi nakapagpost. rest week ko last week from exams. i asked God for rest, and He gave me rest. hindi yung rest na nakatulog ako buong araw pero yung rest that i got to spend time with people i love and do things that i love doing.

naging masaya ang simula ng aking linggo...not aware of the things to come. of how the joy prepared me to face the last days of the week.

cellgroup, ladies night, dangwa adventures, smiles and white roses, chocolate friends, shakespeare in love, one million stars falling from the sky...they kept me on and happy for the next days. thankful to have banked them. its always good to keep happy memories handy so you can pull them out when you're sad and sprinkle them all over.

i also thank God for sunday and the kids at church. birthday ni alyssa, she turned 5. super cute. she went around the church telling everyone that its her birthday. super cute pa ng conversation nila ni mama...reasoning of a child. :) at happy din ako to take care of baby sam. kahit hinihila nya ang damit, hikaw, necklace, at buhok ko, at super kulit nya for 6 months i sooo love her. :)

galing ito sa email that achi kaye sent us...realizations from a conversation with ahia charles. got a few portions of it...share lang. about discipleship. :)
-discipleship isn't about protecting those you are leading from making mistakes, it's about equipping them and letting them make their own decisions, some of which may lead to mistakes
- discipleship isn't about controlling your disciples' lives, that's the Holy Spirit's job
- discipleship is first and foremost about people
- it's about being willing to listen, willing to gently point out wrongs, and some times, being willing to let go -- fully acknowledging that my disciples are their own persons

sunset ang wallpaper ng desktop. sunset sa isang lugar na mahalaga sa akin. ang sarap lang magsenti na ang tagal ko nang hindi nakakakita ng sunset. realized that there are really no special places, special songs, or special things...only special memories associated with them. given another time and place, baka hindi naman natin sila napansin. what we have are special people. and realizing that somehow puts us back on the right perspective. on the things that really matter.

four down, one to go sa saturday. exams yun. i am living and breathing grace. dahil kung wala yun, baka lumulutang na ako sa pacific ocean. i am holding on to the Lord's promise that if i take care of His matters, He takes care of mine. and our God is faithful...more than faithful.

kakaiba itong araw na ito. at somehow alam ko kung bakit...parang effort ang pagiging masaya..ang daming bagay ang nakakalungkot. baka pagod na ako, or pagod lang ako. nakakasawa din pala ang exams everyday. buti nalang mas maraming bagay na maaring ikasaya. is not God more than enough reason for us to be happy? ibinalik lang ulit ako ni Lord sa Sovereignty Nya in all things. yun pa naman ang lesson namin sa fg bukas. lahat ng nangyayari ay hawak Nya at inallow Nya na mangyari. and there is comfort that He knows what is best. 

re-learned a part of me today. and it felt like sunshine..the hope of a morning.

VOICE OF TRUTH
Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

.....::::::::.......
every word of this song sums up my heart.

out of many voices calling out to me.
i choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.
i have nothing to hold on to.

im facing a battle of the unknown, but there is comfort in that is where my Jesus is.
i am facing giants with a stone and a sling in my hand.
on my knees...i am asking for something i have never asked before.
i will be doing something i have never done because of fear.
i will not limit my God.
He is mighty to save.

fighting to victory.
for His Glory.

and the rains fell. pagkatapos ng perfect-ness ng panahon kahapon, dumating na ang ulan. medyo malungkot ako na wala nanamang pasok. three days nang delayed ang aking mga exams at lessons. nagsabaysabay na ulit sila next week. at hindi na tuloy namin alam kung may exam pa din sa math bukas...for more kaguluhan. kung meron hindi namin alam kung anong oras at kung saan. at wala din kaming way para i-contact si sir. o well.

nagulat ako kagabi na pinagdasal pala natin na dumating ang ulan. natuwa ako na dumating sya, sinagot ang ating mga panalangin. natuwa ako kasi may tubig na para sa mga magsasaka, may tubig na para sa ating mga dams, pero higit sa lahat, natuwa ako kasi masaya ang mga puno. mahal ko ang mga puno, lalo nung bata ako. at tila nalimutan ko na kung gaano ko sila kamahal. pwede ba yun? yung malimutan mo ang pagmamahal mo para sa isang bagay. baka masyado nanaman akong nilunod ng mundo na may mga bahagi ng aking sarili na nalimutan ko.

nung bata ako, pakiramdam ko may buhay ang mga puno, buhay na parang sa tao. pakiramdam ko nakakarinig sila at nakakadama, naawa sila, natutuwa at nagagalit. nalulungkot din sila at lumuluha. at pag sobrang lungkot, maririnig mo ang kanilang mga hikbi. madalas akong umiyak at magtago sa mga puno noon. sa tingin ko kasi malakas sila, babantayan nila ako at proprotektahan sa mundo. kakaiba pala akong bata, ayoko mang aminin. mas masaya akong magisa sa aking sariling mundo. mga puno, mga manika, mga unan, ang kalaro ko madalas kaysa sa mga batang tulad ko. :)

ipinaalala ng ulan ang isang bahagi ng aking sarili.

realization: once special, always special.
 tested and proven ang validity at reliability. i-deny mo man sa sarili mo, alam mo na totoo. pwedeng hindi na tulad ng dati,  pwedeng wala nang feelings, pero alam mong mas special pa din siya kaysa sa iba.
rationale: somehow, you've given a part of yourself to it.
 binahagi mo kasi ang sarili mo dun once in your life. you made yourself vulnerable. and in loving, you are always vulnerable.

wee. tama na 'to.
buti nalang may mga puno pa.
at kahit wala sila...
buti nalang nandyan Siya.

______:)
under construction ang aking blog. natutuwa ako.
ang ganda ng "how to save a life" ng fray. bagay sa ulan . :) senti-ness.

panahon na naman ng tag-ulan sa Pilipinas.
malamig ang hangin at basa ang paligid.

kahapon, walang tigil ang ulan buong araw. at nasa labas ako ng bahay..haha. ang kapasawayan nga naman.

ang ganda ng UP..lalo na nung bumukas na ang mga ilaw sa poste at hindi pa naman masyadong madilim. yung nasa gitna ng hapon at gabi palang. ang sarap makipagkwentuhan at gumawa ng wala. ang senti ng panahon. ang daming mga movie-ish na eksena ang nagawa namin sa kasentihan. haha.

noong pauwi na, biglang bumuhos ang ulan. nakakatawa lang na kung kailan pa talaga kami pauwi. yung ganong kalakas na ulan ang nakakadala ng damdamin. nakakalungkot. tapos nung bumaba ako sa philcoa, baha.

pero natutuwa ako sa kung paano binabago ng Panginoon ang puso ko kahit sa mga simpleng bagay lamang na tulad non. ayaw ko kasi dati ng ulan. ayaw kong nababasa ang paa ko at tsinelas. madali akong nadadala ng lungkot ng panahon. mas mahal ko ang araw.  iba yung ulan kahapon, o mas tamang sabihin na iba ako sa ulan kahapon. masaya ako nung umulan. masaya ako nung bumuhos yung ulan sa aming paguwi. masaya ako na ang lakas ng buhos nya sa payong at ramdam mo ang bigat nya. masaya akong dumilim at naging maingay ang paligid. masaya akong tinitignan ang baha at ang pagtalsik ng tubig dala ng mga sasakyan. kahit si manong driver ay hindi, pero malay ko ba, baka sa kailaliman ng puso nya ay masaya din sya. masaya ako na sumuong sa baha ng philcoa. nagtaka nga ata ang mga tao kung bakit ako nakangiting bumaba at nakangiting naglalakad sa umaagos na baha.

masaya ako na binago ng Diyos ang puso ko sa mga simpleng bagay na tulad ng ulan. dahil alam ko na kaya din Nyang baguhin ang puso ko sa mga mas malalaking bagay na nais Nyang mahalin ko. hindi nabawasan ang pagmamahal ko sa araw, pinalaki lamang ng Diyos ang puso ko para isama din ang ulan. Siya rin naman ang nagbigay nito kaya walang dapat ikatakot sa pagbubukas ng sarili. :)

wee.